The Marauder Adventures
by whatitdobootydoo
Summary: Randomness, biscuits, pansies, curvy knives, pidgeons, talking walls, elevators, cakes, twigs, vaccuums, puppets, and conquistadors? What's this world coming too? A collection of the Marauder's Hilarious Adventures
1. If Walls Could Talk They'd Say Hello

Summary: A collection of short stories involving the Marauders.  
  
Chapter Summary: The Marauders decide, once again, to get on Filch's bad side.  
  
Author's Note: Bear with me here, flame me and I'll contact the Shoe Thrower. I MEAN IT!  
  
If Walls Could Talk  
  
"Get to work you lazy troublemakers!" Filch yelled from his chair were Ms. Norris sat perched on his lap.  
  
The Marauders stood in the corridor, wearing orange robes. They had been sentenced to cleaning the WHOLE castle as punishment for telling Peeves how to get through Filch's office. The catch: NO MAGIC.  
  
Sirius glared at Filch, who was whispering to Ms. Norris and pointing at the issue of Witches Gone Wild.  
  
"We've got to get out of here somehow." Sirius muttered to James, who was busy scrubbing every crack between the stone tiles.  
  
Peter made a moaning noise as he looked longingly at Filch, before going back to greasing the doors.  
  
"What's wrong with you?" asked Lupin, he only had to do the windows.  
  
"He stole my magazine."  
  
The Marauders stared.  
  
"Right..."  
  
"Whatever Wormys..." Sirius said, turning back to washing the walls.  
  
"You know what would be REALLY funny?" said James after a couple minutes silence.  
  
"What?" Sirius seemed to perk up.  
  
"Well...here's my idea..."  
  
Sirius looked like he'd rather do nothing else but listen.  
  
"But we'll need Moony's excellent charming skills..."  
  
0.0 0.0 0.0 0.0 0.0 (hah suspenseful readers aren't we?)  
  
Students rushed into the hall after dinner. Filch was feeling pretty good about himself as he admired the clean castle. He didn't notice people laughing and pointing at the walls and floors.  
  
"WOW! Look how clever that is!" A fifth year said.  
  
"I know, how sexy are they?" Her friend said.  
  
"Very." Replied a group of first years.  
  
"Oh! They're going to be in huge trouble!" Squeaked a girl, taking out her notebook and quill. "Imagine this: Marauders Make Mayhem"  
  
"Cut it out Rita!" her boyfriend yelled.  
  
Filch stopped humming. Marauders? MARAUDERS!?! He turned around to face the wall and found himself looking at the strangest thing.  
  
The walls had four stone faces on them. Four familiar faces...  
  
Filch ran over to the one of Sirius Black.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO!" he roared at the face.  
  
Stone Sirius had a blank expression on his face. ( 0.0 ) "I see dead people" it said.  
  
"London Bridge is going to fall down." Said the face next to him, which was none other than James Potter.  
  
"WHAT! HOW DID YOU DO THIS?!?" cried Filch. He started placing his hands over the Marauder's stone replica's, as if to squash them.  
  
"HEY EVERYONE!" Peter's shouted. "FILCH READS WITCHES GONE WILD!"  
  
The hall was filled with laughter. Filch looked like venom. "ARGH!!" He screamed bashing the wall.  
  
"AND HE'S A SQUIB!"  
  
More laughter just set Filch off. He looked around wildly and for the first time, noticed the floor was bottle green. He looked close to tears. He fled from the hallway.  
  
The Marauders sniggered from their place on the stairs.  
  


Well, I thought of this while on my to my dad's. Hope you enjoy the next chapter: The Reign of Biscuit Lad....Reviews PLEASE!!! AND NO FLAMES!!!


	2. The Reign of Biscuit Lad

Summary: A collection of short stories involving the Marauders.  
  
Chapter Summary: The Marauders must stop Snape before it's to late! (Hey I'm a poet and I didn't even know it) Oh well, this isn't the time to rhyme. (HAH)  
  
Author's Note: Bare with me here, flame me and I'll contact the Shoe Thrower. I MEAN IT! And Prue, here's your story: Snape died the end.  
  
The Reign of Biscuit Lad  
  
"I can't wait till breakfast," said Wormtail as they walked off toward the Great Hall. The crowd was thick as everyone hurried off for food.  
  
"Poor Whitle Wormys needs some foodsy woodsy," teased Sirius. They came up to the oak doors and pushed them open.  
  
"I wonder what we're going to do in double potions today," Moony said with the air of one commenting the weather as they took their seats at the head of the Gryffindor table.  
  
They sat chatting over various things, Sirius and James kept whispering to each other. The food did not appear soon.  
  
"What the-"That seemed to be the question on everyone's mind as thousands of platters filled the table but all they had was biscuits on them. Even the goblets had biscuits in them.  
  
There was uproar throughout the great hall. The Marauders looked around.  
  
"Hey, Snivilous isn't at the Dark table." James pointed out.  
  
"Than where is he?" asked Wormtail as he chucked a biscuit back on the table.  
  
"How much you want to bet he's in the kitchens?" Sirius said. The others agreed and they slipped away from the table of toward the kitchens. Lupin tickled the pear and grabbed the handle.  
  
Inside was horrid. There, perched in the middle of the kitchen, was none other than Snape. He had an evil grin on his face and was beaming at the house elves. James thought he looked way to pleased with himself.  
  
"Ah, the Marauders are here...." Snape said smugly. "Please, show them to the pot." The house elves crept up on them and soon the Marauders were bound and gagged.  
  
Snape slid of the stool. "You all are truly stupid," He said, pacing in front of them.  
  
"Exactly what are you doing?" Sirius asked through his sock.  
  
"YOU WILL REFER TO ME AS BISCUIT LAD!" Snape spat. "And I thought it was obvious that I have taken over the kitchens and will not be serving anything but biscuits."  
  
Dun...dun...dun...  
  
The Marauders raised their eyebrows. Sirius rolled his eyes and transformed into a dog, bit through the ropes and proceeded to chase Snape around the room. James and Peter also transformed. James went to help Sirius and Peter gnawed his way through Lupin's ropes.  
  
Lupin started telling the house elves what exactly to cook, while Padfoot and Prongs were still at it.  
  
The chase went on, manly because Sirius and James were bored. They caught Snape and tied him up.  
  
"What are you going to do to me?" Snape gulped.  
  
Sirius just grinned as he stuck an apple in his mouth.  
  
  
The students cheered as food, real wonderful, glorious, food appeared on the table. But in the middle of the Gryffindor table, Snape appeared, tied up and gagged up with an apple.  
  
"Incendio," James whispered as Fillet of Snape started on fire.  
  
  
WAHAHAHAHAHA! Fun for any one who isn't Prue? Oh, everyone, Brad says hi. The next chapter is: "The Curvy Knife Incident" REVIEW!!! REVIEW!!! The feared Shoe Thrower has lent me shoes!!! 


	3. The Curvy Knife Incident

Chapter Summary: You can't butter toast with a curvy knife.  
  
Author's Note: You people are SOOO touchy about Snivilous...SIGH....I'm not going to change though!!   
  
The Curvy Knife Incident.  
  
The next day, post-Biscuit Lad, The Marauders sat at the Gryffindor table enjoying a real breakfast. James hurried up and down the table to find a knife. The Quidditch match was going to start in ten minutes, and five minutes later, he still couldn't find a knife.  
  
"Don't worry, you can use mine," Sirius said through a mouthful of eggs.  
  
James stared. "Why couldn't you have lent me it in the first place?" Sirius shrugged and continued eating. James rolled his eyes and took Sirius's knife. Buttered it, and went for the toast, but when the knife almost touched it, the knife slumped, like the spoon in the Matrix. It was now a curvy little hook.  
  
"WHAT?!" James said disbelievingly as he looked from the knife to Sirius, who was now choking on a whole watermelon. Lupin glanced at Padfoot before smacking him hard on the back.  
  
"GACKACK!" Sirius said spitting out a piece of fruit and knocking the knife out of James's hand.  
  
They all snapped around to follow to knife's progress. It flew through some Ravenclaw girls, barely missed Filch, buzzed Ms. Norris and landed with a TWANG on the wall.  
  
Filch was positively looking dangers. He took one look at Ms. Norris and started running toward the place where the Marauders were sitting.  
  
"Quick! Hand me another knife!" James yelled franticly.  
  
"Where did they all go?" asked Sirius, looking around for a weapon to defend himself with.  
  
There was a small clutter of what was unmistakably metal. They turned to Wormtail, who had a pile of knives in front of him.  
  
"What?" He asked innocently, "I like knives." James and Sirius dove for them, took aim and started throwing them in random directions. (HAH)  
  
Two caught Filch and pinned him up against the wall. One got stuck in a third year's ponytail. (Marauders are in trouble for that, it took me forever to get it out.) Knives whizzed every which way and people were throwing themselves to the ground as Padfoot and Prongs threw them. And they weren't going to run out soon.  
  
The Teacher's though didn't seem to notice, or care or perhaps they, for some strange reason, didn't know what was going on. Dumbledore glanced up a couple of times in which, the whole Great Hall would start chatting like nothing happened.  
  
More people were pinned up against the wall and some had the back of the knives hit them in the back of the head and they fell over unconscious.  
  
"Hah, this is fun!" James said gleefully, stepping over Wormtail who was sticking out from under the table.  
  
"Yups," Sirius said, "And who's going to get us in trouble?"  
  
"I am!" Said Filch's grumpy voice as he grabbed the two by the ears and dragged them to his office.

  
"-And even not counting those times, you still will be punished severely." Filch spat at the two I his office. He started to walk them out the door when he paused. "What started that?"  
  
James glanced at Sirius who was grinning. "Well, everyone knows you can't butter toast with a curvy knife."  
  
The two bolted as Filch made a sudden movement that was sure to have been his hands grooping for one of their necks.  
  
  
  
HAHAHAH FUN!! Review please!! I think this will be one of the best chapters. The next chapter is "The Proud Pansy"...Once again, Review please and UPDATE!!! I update every day!!! (Still trying to find a show to do for TAGSOA) REVIEW REVIEW. And Jennifer, you really are to kind...(rolls eyes)


	4. The Proud Pansy

* * *

Summary: A collection of short stories about the Marauders.  
  
Chapter Summary: Peter meets a pigeon.  
  
Author's Note: You people aren't reviewing...I know some of you just read stories and don't review. Well, I'm not updating till I have 25 reviews and I'm serious. For those that do review, THANKS!

* * *

The Proud Pansy  
  
Wormtail slammed the door shut. Pansy? HIM? A pansy? Peter Pettigrew a pansy? How dare Sirius and James say that! Well, okay, so he was a little afraid sometimes, but isn't that normal?  
  
He flopped down on the bed. Someday, I'll show them all, he thought.  
  
"I am not a pansy," he told himself.  
  
"PRRRR" came a noise behind him. He looked around, but didn't see anything.  
  
"Creepy," he said to himself quietly.  
  
Why did everyone always pick on him? Well, that was easy, he was just so easy himself.  
  
"PRRRR" Peter jumped. He looked around again and saw nothing.  
  
"PRRRR" He got up. He checked under the bed, looked around in the corners but he still couldn't find the source.  
  
"PRRRR" came the noise from the window. Wormtail crept over to it and peeked down.  
  
There, sitting perched on the windowsill was an unusually fat pigeon. It stared up at him with its orange eyes.  
  
"What?" He asked. The pigeon cooed at him. He transformed into a rat and sat next to it. He never realized how big pigeons were before.  
  
"What was that?" it asked.  
  
"Oh, I can turn into an animal, I'm a wizard."  
  
"Oh," said the pigeon.  
  
"What were you trying to tell me?" asked Wormtail.  
  
"Oh, nothing, I was just being a pigeon." It replied.  
  
"You mean being annoying?"  
  
"Well no...wait...yeah basically." It said ruffling it's feathers, looking proud.  
  
"Right, so what's your name?" asked Wormtail.  
  
"Joan," she said, "What's yours?"  
  
"Wormtail."  
  
"Nice to meet you," said Joan blinking at him.  
  
There was a moment of silence.  
  
"Right, well, what are you doing here anyway?" asked Wormtail as he scratched himself.  
  
"Oh, me and my friends were going to go bomb some first years." Joan puffed out her chest. "It's a hard job, but someone's gotta do it." She looked him up and down. "You wanna come help?"  
  
"Um nah, it sounds a little too hard. And I can't fly."  
  
"We could carry you, it's really fun." she said hopefully.  
  
"I really don't I want to," said Wormtail, backing away as she glared at him. "Thanks anyway."  
  
Joan looked a little hurt.  
  
"You ARE a pansy." It said, taking off.  
  
"Wait-"Wormtail called, but she ignored him and soared away.  
  
"I am not a pansy," he told himself.  
  
  
  
"She blew you off? Just like that?" asked James disbelievingly.  
  
"Yeah..." Wormtail said, placing another card on top of the deck.  
  
"Wow Wormys, you can't even keep the interest of a pigeon." Said Sirius. He thought it was incredibly funny.  
  
"Whatever guys," he said, getting ready to place the last card on the top and complete his structure.  
  
"PANSY!" James yelled and the cards exploded in Peter's face as he stumbled.  
  
"I am not a pansy!" he yelled, wiping soot from his eyes as the others howled with laughter.  
  
"Whatever, Quidditch math tomorrow and I'm going to bed," James said, still chuckling.  
  
"Me too, come on Wormys," Sirius said. They reached the stairs when Peter suddenly remembered he forgot his bag. He ran down to the fireplace and grabbed his stuff,  
  
He turned and noticed a mirror lying on the table. He looked at himself in it.  
  
I am NOT a pansy, he thought to himself.  
  
"Yes you are," his reflection said back. Peter threw the mirror face down onto the chair and started toward the stairs again.  
  
"PANSY!" called the mirror.  
  
"ARGH!"

* * *

Okay, well, that's it for this chapter and I just know I'll get my 25 reviews because the next chapter is: "The Conquistador's Men" In which Sirius demands that everyone refer to him as Conquistador. So anyway, I just know you'll all REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!! REVIEW YE PANSYS!!! 


	5. The Conquistador's Men

Summary: A collection of short stories involving the Marauders.  
  
Chapter Summary: Sirius demands that everyone call him 'conquistador'.  
  
Author's Note: Well, that's better. I lied, I didn't type the story and at the moment I'm typing this I have 24 and I need to hurry!!

* * *

The Conquistador's Men  
  
_Ding-ding-ding_, everyone turned around to see Sirius Black standing up and tapping his goblet with his fork.  
  
"Ahem," Sirius cleared his throat. "I am happy to inform you that you all shall refer to me as 'Conquistador', anybody violating this law will be hexed." Eyes rolled, whispers started and some girls even melted.  
  
"Why exactly do you want us to call you that again Sirius?" Peter asked as he sat back down.  
  
"Conquistador," Sirius corrected. "Because I am the only one worthy of such a title and I have decided to establish my role as the ONLY Hogwarts Conquistador."  
  
And that was how it all began...

* * *

"Good morning Conquistador,"  
  
"How are you this morning Conquistador?"  
  
"Please don't hex me Conquistador Black."  
  
These were the comments that followed after breakfast. People had taken Sirius siriusly (pun!) only when he had hexed a couple of Slytherin girls who had thought he was kidding. The Marauder's strutted their way toward the Quidditch match, Ravenclaw Vs. Gryffindor. Peter and Wormtail took their seats in the stands while Sirius made his way to do commentary.  
  
"And here come the Gryffindor team: blah, blah, doesn't matter, don't know you, you smell, you're ugly and the most talented POTTER!!!" Sirius dabbled as James soared onto the pitch.  
  
"And here come the Ravenclaws: somebody, nobody, that girl I snogged last night-"  
  
"BLACK!" came Professor McGonagall's voice, full of warning.  
  
"CONQUISTADOR!" Sirius shot back, a whistle sounded and everyone was watching the match.  
  
"Black, I'm not kidding." McGonagall said quietly, trying to keep her temper in.  
  
"Neither am I Professor, and it's Conquistador now, are you deaf?"  
  
"THAT'S IT BLACK!! TO MY OFFICE, PRONTO!!"

* * *

Sirius stared at the fireplace while McGonagall talked to Professor Dumbledore. What was wrong with people? How come they couldn't get his name was Conquistador now?  
  
Dumbledore nodded and turned to Sirius. "So, Mr. Black..." he started, looking slightly amused as Sirius ignored him. "Well, Conquistador, I regret to say that you have detention tomorrow for disrupting a Quidditch game, usually, I would leave it up to McGonagall, but I have a far better punishment..."  
  
Sirius gulped.

* * *

"Scrub faster Black!" Said Filch's voice from behind the Daily Prophet.  
  
"CONQUISTADOR!" Sirius said flinging down his sponge.  
  
"I don't care if you invented spam Mr. Black, you will scrub as fast as you can and if you give me any lip, I will make sure you never go near another girl again."  
  
Sirius bit his tongue and continued scrubbing. Stupid, dumb, ugly Filch.  
  
"Now, Black, why is this so hard for you to understand?" Filch asked, eyeing him with glee. Sirius kept scrubbing.  
  
"Always in trouble, Black is always in trouble." Sirius started scrubbing a particularly tough stain. "Black did this, Black did that, Black set me on fire again, Black-"  
  
"CONQUISTADOR!" Sirius spat and flung the dirty sponge at Filch's face and hit him square between the eyes. Filch snapped up and started toward him.  
  
Sirius got up and started to run, when Filch stopped suddenly. He was clutching his face. Evidently, that stain had been from a potion. One that just happened to make your face look like a toad. Sirius was horrified and bolted again.  
  
"There goes that Black kid again." Said a women in a picture to another.  
  
"CONQUISTADOR!"

* * *

Well, that bribe seemed to work well, so let's make it....45 reviews next before I update. The next one is: "The inconspicuous soap bar," James is missing his soap, how far will he go to get it back. REVIEW PANSIES!!! 


	6. This Elevator Doesn't Go Sideways

Summary: A collection of the Marauder's adventures.  
  
Author's Note: Well, my throat still hurts and The Inconspicuous Soap Bar has been postponed. Somebody asked me to write a chapter about Moony, and I was already going to, it's next, but for now, enjoy this! It's based on an email from a site, so if you own the site, which you probably don't, sorry.

* * *

**This Elevator Doesn't Go Sideways...  
**  
_What to do, what to do_, thought Sirius. He had already done every prank in the book he got and summer was getting boring. The only thing left? Torment somebody he hadn't in a while.  
  
"But what to do to them?" Sirius wondered. He glanced around his room for an idea. His eyes landed on the Daily Prophet.  
  
**_BEWITCHED MUGGLE ELEVATOR COLAPSES_**,

_**See page 5 to read more...**  
_  
"That's it!" exclaimed Sirius. He jumped off his bed and got ready to go out. "I'll take over a Muggle elevator!" He dashed down the stairs and ran out the door.  
  
Ugh, another boring day at work. Joe's boss seemed pretty angry about the whole coffee maker breaking. Sheesh, other people needed coffee too! Joe sighed and pushed the down button on the elevator. He waited for the doors to open. Finally, Joe thought as he picked up his brief case to step inside.  
  
"I'm sorry, do you have an appointment?" Joe glanced up. There was a desk sitting in the elevator. A young boy about 15 sat behind it, staring at him behind over-sized glasses.  
  
"What?" Joe asked incredibly.  
  
"I said, do you have an appointment?"  
  
"Um.... no..." Joe backed away. He'd get on the next elevator.

* * *

Sirius stood in the middle of the elevator as it dinged. He moved over to let a couple people in.  
  
"What floor?"  
  
"Seven" they all said. Sirius pushed 4.  
  
"Um, it's the seventh floor." One man said timidly.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, how silly of me." Sirius said, pushing 5.  
  
"It's seven" a lady said impatiently.  
  
"My eyesight must really be bad, I apologize." He pushed 13.  
  
"Oh forget," A guy said as the doors opened to the 4th floor. Everyone followed him out.  
  
Sirius checked one of the list.

* * *

"Hold on, I'm waiting for a friend." A boy said as he held open the doors. Mary waited patiently. Suddenly, without anyone getting on, he let the doors close.  
  
"Hey Greg, how's your day been?" The boy asked to the air.  
  
Mary stood in the elevator. "Fourteen please," She said. The teenager pushed it.  
  
She glanced next to her as the elevator started to move. The boy was grinning at her. She looked away. A couple seconds later, she glanced back and he was still staring. She stared back, but the boy kept on.  
  
"WHAT?" she asked.  
  
"I have new socks on."  
  
Mary dashed out the doors. Check another off the list.

* * *

The doors opened again and a couple got on. The man pushed five and stood back as the doors closed.  
  
"It's okay they'll open again." Sirius said reassuringly. The woman gave him a look.  
  
A couple seconds silence.  
  
"GROUP HUG!" Sirius said and pulled them into a tight embrace. They struggled to get out. They backed away to the other side of the elevator and watched as the boy got out cell phone.  
  
"Hello, is this the Psychic Hotline? Yes, well, I was wondering, can you tell me what floor I'm on?"  
  
The doors opened and the man led the woman out hurriedly.  
  
Check. Check. Check.

* * *

Sirius laid down a Twister mat and waited till the doors opened to a bunch of people.  
  
"Would you like to play?" he asked. Everyone walked away but one guy.  
  
"Sure." He said. Sirius quickly pushed the close button.  
  
"And only a few more to go." Sirius said as he checked another one off the list.

* * *

Three friends walked in the elevator. Sirius took out a piece of chalk and drew a little square on the floor.  
  
"This is MY personal space." He announced. The people looked happy to give it to him. They watched with interest as the boy unsnapped a brief case.  
  
"You got enough air in there?" he said, peering down into it. The people backed, if possible, even further away. They stared at Sirius, who stared back.  
  
"You're one of THEM!" said Sirius, pointing to the friend on the right and backing away. The friends hurried out the door.  
  
"Only one more left..." Sirius said gleefully.

* * *

Sirius placed the clock in the box and taped it shut. He stuck it in a corner and went and stood in the other corner facing the wall. People got in and a couple stared at him and soon one said, "Do you hear a ticking noise?" The people started screaming and trying to get off the elevator.  
  
Sirius sniggered from his corner. Check.

* * *

Well, hope you liked it, the soap bar one just isn't funny right now so I decided to go ahead and put this one up. **REVIEW PANSIES!!! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW**, sheesh how many times do I have to say it? Well, stay tuned for "Oh What a Tangled Web That Frickin Huge Spider Weaves." Lupin finds a fricking huge spider under his bed. I hope it will be funny....oh well, once again, **REVIEW!**


	7. How to Bake a Cake

**Sum:** What happens when the Marauder's try to bake a cake? Well....it's certainly NOT going to be cake...

**Author's note: **Sorry for the long wait everyone!!! I had to write a story for school and it's taken up most of my time!! Not really, that's a lie....I've just been lazy :)

* * *

How to Bake a Cake 

"Okay, so you just add one egg, right?" Peter asked as he looked up from the cookbook. All the Marauder's were dressed in aprons and chef hats. Quite funny stuff. They were trying to bake a cake so they could stick it in Filch's desk. Unfortunately, they never thought of just conjuring one.

"No Wormys," Sirius said, peering over his shoulder, "TWO eggs, count 'em that's TWO!" he held up four fingers.

"Oh...right..."

"Ya'll, what is-" James peered at the book, "a tablespoon?"

Remus rolled his eyes and pushed Sirius out of the way to get to James.

"Look, just uh-" Remus held up the measuring cup and looked at it, then the oil, then the cup again. "Just pour all of it in there." he grabbed the oil and poured it all in the measuring cup.

**BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR**

"NO SIRIUS DON'T TOUCH THE EGG BEATER!!!!!"

**WHRRR WHRRR whrrr **whr......

Sirius stopped the machine reluctently. Remus walked over and snatched it away.

"Hey, it says we need flour but we don't have any." said Peter

"So let's use dryer lint!" Sirius suggested, the others, surprisingly, agreed.

A few minutes went by and the Marauders substituted most ingredients for lint, an old shoe, bubblegum, a loufa, and some weird, moving, glowing, green thing that Sirius found under his bed.

Sirius placed the cake in the oven and shut the door. So far, so good for a Marauder.

"Okay, it says preheat oven to 250 degrees and let it bake for 30 minutes," Peter read.

"30 minutes? That's way to long!" James turned the oven to 550. "There, now it will bake quicker!"

And it did, in about 3 minutes, but unfortunatly, the Marauder's took it out after 5.

**BOOM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

The cake exploded all over them.

When Remus recovered, he poked his head out of the mess. Peter was by the fridge, unconcious and covered in pinkish slop. James was standing up looking dazed. But where was Sirius?

Oh, there, Remus spied a hand flopping around on the top of a huge pink pile. James went to help Sirius up.

"What did we do wrong?" James asked Lupin.

"I don't know, but I think it was that stuff that Sirius found under his bed." Lupin replied.

"HEY DON'T INSULT HOMIE!!!" Sirius whined.

"Homie?"

"The glowing glob, he was my pet."

"Then why did you stick him in the mix?

Sirius shrugged and started backing away and tripped over a cord...

**BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!**

Marauders: 0.0 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

"DEMON EGG BEATER!!! DEMON EGG BEATER!!!!!"


	8. Mr Clean

Author's Note: Most of these stories I write months before I post...just incase you wanted to know...

I hope you'll think this is funny! As always, it's short but not as short as the next one, but the shorter, the more room to cram in funny!

* * *

**Mr. Clean**

"Petesies, help me with this vaccuum cleaner." Sirius called throughout the common room. Now, usually, when Sirius has a vaccuum cleaner, people run but this was an assginment for Muggle Studies.

"Yes dumplings?" Peter asked, rushing over.

"Peter?"

"Yes?"

"Stop calling me that."

"Okay." An awkward silence followed and then Peter asked what the deal with the vaccuum claner was.

"Sooo...what's the deal with the vaccuum cleaner?"

"I'm glad you asked me that Wormys, this vaccuum is my ticket to an E in Muggle Studies. This counts as 50 of our grade so-"

"50 percent?" Peter interrupted. "What do you have now?"

"A D, for dashingly handsome of course." Sirius flipped his hair back and made a row of girls in the corner swoon and pass out.

"That will make you get an A at the most, you can't get an E." Peter pointed out.

"I can too. I think Mrs. Mundane fancies me." Sirius said cockily.

"Whatever your Majesty."

"Okay," Sirius continued, "The deal was to figure out how it works, which is really a challenge since it won't work here at Hogwarts, so I need you to hold the handle while I shoot random spells at it."

Peter gulped. "RANDOM spells?"

"Yeah, I uh...kinda didn't pay attention in Charms...ever." Sirius said sheepishly.

Peter rummaged in his pockets, pulling out what looked strangely like assorted weapons. Finally, with an "AHA!" he found what he was looking for and unfolded a formal looking peice of paper.

"I don't think so!" Peter said triumphently, waving it in Sirius' s face. "This document states that you cannot preform spells within a 12 yard radius of me, so that means _you_ hold the handle and _I _throw random spells at it."

Sirius stood tall, on the outside, unnerved but on the inside, he trembled with fear of Peter with a wand pointed at him and his precious vaccuum cleaner throwing random spells. Or perhaps it was the taco salad he had lunch. Either way, he need this grade so he could be accepted into the N.E.W.T. classes. Now, you're probably thinking: 'Hey! Sirius doesn't care about his grades!'...well...you're absolutely right. He's in it for that hott chick, but more importantly, the free sticker.

Sirius gripped the handle and with an attempted smile said, "Ok Wormys, go."

Peter rolled up his sleeves, several times on account of his robes being to big and cleared his throat, which bascially sounded like choking. Sirius winced.

"ABRA SHAZNACK!" Peter bellowed. There was a flash of light and Sirius was gone. The girls in the corner, who had recovered, with a small pop, adorned balck viels and started crying.

"Uh oh." Peter said, rushing over to check it out. "Sirius?"

"You idiot!" came Sirius's voice. Peter jumped.

"Where are you?" Peter peeked down as the vaccuum cleaner bag moved and stretched in the shape of a fist.

"Down here moron! Get me out!"

5 minutes later...

"Well that sucks," James said as he surveyed the situation.

"Of course it sucks James, it's a frickin vaccuum cleaner!" came Sirius's voice.

"Oh hahahahaha! Sirius you'd better shutup if you want out." James said, pulling out his wand.

"AHAAAAWAAAAAHHHH!" came uncontrolable sobs from the girls in black, who now had about 20 candles around a picture of Sirius.

Peter glanced nervously in their direction. "They won't hurt me, will they?"

"They'd better!" yelled Sirius.

"Mehrawroian!" yelled James and with a flick of his wand, the vaccuum cleaner started to life.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

"AHHHHH!" yelled James and Peter as the vaccuum cleaner traveled throughout the room at a great speed, sucking up all in it's path. James jumped on the stairs as it tried to get his feet and Peter dove under the table. The vaccuum sought out it's new destination at the girls. It sucked up the picture or Sirius.

"NOOO!" screamed the girls. The biggest one, who was really an 'it' blitzed the vaccuum and sent it flying into the wall with a huge dirt cloud. Sirius came tumbling out of the bag.

"Sirius!" swooned the girl. Sirius looked like he was about to puke...in fact, he proceeded to do so.

"EWWW!" the girls shrieked and ran off.

James and Peter came over to Sirius.

"Hey!" Sirius said, picking something out from the pile of dirt. "My socks!"

Christy appeared. "Oh no you don't! Those are mine!" She snatched her socks away and stormed off. Sirius looked crestfallen.

"Hey Sirius?" James said, surpressing a grin.

"What?"

"You're a dirty dirty boy."

* * *

Well opening night for Inherit the Wind was last night so you all should feel special that I found time to update. Wish me luck!

**REVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREIVEWIREVIEWREVIEWREIVEWIREVIEWREVIEWREVIEW!**


	9. Twiggy

Author's Note: WOW! ANOHTER UPDATE? What's the world coming too? At the time though that I'm typing this, I haven't gotten any reviews for the last chapter! SO REVIEW OR NO MORE FOR YOU!

* * *

**Twiggy**

"Twiggy?" Sirius called, looking under the sofa. "Twiggy?"

Remus walked in the common room. "Looking for something?"

Sirius whirled around and stared up at Remus with huge watery eyes (think puss-n-boots) "I-lost-twiggy!" Sirius sobbed uncontrolably at Remus's feet.

Remus took a few steps backward. "Who's Twiggy?" He took another step backward. Sirius lunged under his foot before it landed.

"TWIGGY!" Sirius said happily as he tossed something in the air.

"Twiggy-is-a stick?" Remus said, staring at the lunatic on the floor.

Sirius hugged the stick fondly. "Duh! Hence the name Twiggy!"

Remus stood there for a second, then finally said, "Damn you're crazy."

Sirius cradled the stick away from Remus. "DON'T USE THAT LANGAUGE IN FRONT OF TWIGGY!" he turned to the stick. "Shield your virgin ears my spawn of toilet paper!"

"Sirius," Remus said, picking up his fallen friend, "Get a life."

"But Twiggy is my life!" Sirius protested.

Remus sighed, snatched Twiggy from Sirius and threw it out the window.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Sirius howled, throwing himself to the ground.

"OW!" Came a reply from the window. "Who threw that?" The two teens peeked over the window sill and saw a boy with a huge lump on his head. Sirius slumped back.

"Twiggy was-EVIL?" Sirius said in disbelief.

"Evil? What are you talk-" something in Remus's mind clicked. "Yes Sirius, Twiggy was evil."

Sirius was silent for a minute. "How will I ever love again?"

Remus clapped his friend on the shoulder. "You'll find someone Sirius, all you have-"

"MR. YO-YO!"

* * *

WHAHAHAHAHAHA! REVIEW YE PANSIES!

The next installment in this story? "Snort" which will probably be posted today as well, but I have another performance so who knows.


	10. Snort

Author's Note: YEA! ANOTHER STORY!

WEEEEEEE!

* * *

**Snort**

Sirius threw a marshmellow at James's face and squealed with delight as it hit his chin, then magically went up his nose.

"OH MY-G-ACK!" James yelled, clutching his throat and tumbling backwards out of the chair.

Remus sat on the sofa watching Sirius go on with his entertainment.

"What the frick did you do to me?" James asked, crawling up from behind the chair.

"I just tried to do the Snortis charm!" Sirius protested. "Only, I think I did it wrong."

Remus stood up. "It's Snorous, not SnorTIS."

"Oh well, I'm having fun anyway," Sirius picked up a button and tossed it near James. The button veered toward James and flew up his nose.

"ACK!"

"WHAHAHAHA! Meniachal laughter! I LOVE IT!" Shouted Sirius gleefully.

"Sirius, where did you put my favorite pen?" asked Remus.

Sirius ginned and chucked the pen at James, and you guessed it, watched it as it went up his nose.

"HEY! That was my favorite pen!" Remus stormed off and came back after a minute, in which James snorted up a couple of crayons, some firewood, and an old oreo.

"Ohh Sirius." Remus called in a sing-song voice, "look what I've got." He held up a rubber duckie.

"UMFRICKLE!" Sirius screamed. He glared at Remus. "Moony, you wouldn't dare."

"Wouldn't I?" Remus hurled the duck at James. James got wide-eyed and watched as it magically fit in his nostril.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sirius tackled James and got a surprise when his arm went up James's nose, followed by the rest of him. Remus tried to get a hold of Sirius's legs, but he was pulled up as well.

"HEY!" James yelled. Peter came scrambling down the steps.

"Hey James, somebody said you were snorting up everything!" Peter held in his hand a giant pepper shaker and took aim.

"Peter NOOO-ACHOOOOO!"

(-WHACK CONCUSSION ON WORMTAIL BY TWO BOYS SMACKING HIM-)


	11. Hanging By A Peice of Floss

**Summary:** Sirius plays with puppets.

**Author's Note:** Sorry if this takes so long, for some reason today, I have screwy typing, terribly sorry.

I do not own any of the character puppets Sirius is playing with.

* * *

**Hanging By A Peice Of Floss**

Jack: Never let go Rose, never let go.

Rose: When you say that, do you mean phiscally, or mentally?

Jack: Well... mentaly I guess, but-

Rose: (drops)

Jack: NOOO!

Rose: ...oops...

* * *

Sirus stood up and bowed...to no one but his fan girls applauding. The Marauders shook their heads. They saved their comments until everyone had left the boy's dormitory. 

"That had to be the worst puppet show I've ever seen." Peter said, sitting back in his chair.

Sirius looked crestfallen, "Really?"

"No, no, no, Sirius, it was wonderful." Remus reassured him. Remus picked up one of the crude puppets. Googly eyes were glued on unevenly and the mouth was hanging diagonial.

"I liked it." James said simply. "Do you have anymore?"

Sirius cheered up. "Yeah, I have some." He brought out two puppets hanging from peices of floss.

"This one is called: "Fatman."

The Marauders groned as Sirius moved the puppets horribly.

* * *

Robin: Holy tap-dancing Moses on toast Batman! 

Batman: Ssh! I'm meditating.

Robin: No your not, you're watching the Superbowl.

Batman: Leave me be before I lock you up in the Batcloset!

Robin: Batcloset? That's a regular old closet!

Batman: I'll sick Alfred on you if you don't shut-up!

Robin: Fine! You're not a real superhero anyway!

Batman: (slap) Take thy whinning elsewhere!

* * *

"Well?" Sirius blinked hopefully. 

Peter was snooring in his chair and quickly woke up, Remus quietly slipped his book in his robes and James started bouncing up and down.

"More...MORE!" James pleaded. Peter and Remus shot him looks.

Sirius pulled out two puppets who had toothpicks in their hands, that were awfully colored red and the other one green. There was no mistake as who the two puppets were.

* * *

Luke: You killed my father! 

Darth Vader:...not exactly, I'm 'kinda-sorta-in-a-way-your-father'.

Luke:...deadgummit

Darth Vader: I've blown up a buttload of stuff, murdereda buttloadof people, tortured your friends and lopped off your hand...want to join me anyway?

Luke:...hmmm...what would Jesus do?

(A new puppet was brought forth, crafted out of a popsicle stick.)

Jesus: I'd suggest counsling.

Luke: You should be good.

Darth Vader: No, you should be evil.

Luke: Well, I see we have a conflict of interests here. How about we take this up with a group therapist?

Darth Vader: How about I drag your hide on over to the Emperor?

Luke: ...Or we could do that...

* * *

"...you suck!" said Peter.

"I DO NOT!" Sirius protested.

"Uh, yeah you do." said Remus.

Sirius snapped the popsicle puppet in half. "LIARS! My brilliance is awesome and will be honored for all enternity!"

"No it won't" said the Marauders together. Peter and Remus walked off and James was the only one sitting in the audience.

"Do I suck?" asked Sirius.

"No of course not." said James.

"Really?"

"No, you pretty much dosuck."

"Well I'd like to see you try it!" Sirius said, throwinga puppet James's way.

James looked at the puppet and something in his mind clicked. "I have a better idea..."

**5minutes later and 2wrong turns left...**

The Maraudersknocked on the girl's dormotory door. Of course, the stairs not allowing boys isn't in effect at this time, because James and Sirius haven't caused that much trouble to make it happen yet.

Christy opened the door. "What?"

James and Sirius thrust puppets in her hands.

"We'd like to see you do better than Sirius." said Remus.

"Huh?" asked the author.

"Cause you wrote this chapter."

"Why should I?"

"Cause we'll tell everyone your secrets." Peter said rubbing his hands together.

Christy thought for a moment."I'll only do it if you get this stupid midi file to work on my site."

"Done." The Marauders said.

**5 minutes later and a moment where Sirius learned the difference between right anf left...**

Christy pulled out the Maruader Puppets. "This is your life story." she said as she began.

* * *

Sirius: Whine whine whine whine all I do is whine and think of noises I can make. 

Remus: I'm too smart for you. Gloat, gloat, gloat.

James: My personality changes every two seconds and I need new underwear. Happy, sad, happy.

Peter: I'm so creepy, I should be locked up and all I ever do is twitch twitch twitch.

Christy Puppet: I'm brilliant all hail me and review review reviewmy insolent fans!

* * *

NOTE: Some of this was adapted from the Hand Puppet Theater. 

REVIEW!


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